Tim
It is funny how easily it is to revert back to old bad habits. Trish and I break up and I go through a couple days of being weak, of whining, of basically being a puss. Yesterday while at work, I made a decision to be the guy a used to be. The guy I was before I came to Austin.
I gave Slut a call and had him meet me for a few drinks, at which time I announce my plan, to be the old me. I don't think I said it in that many words, but I had already planned to buy a can of snuff, which was a major part of the old me.
I dipped through jr high and high school. One of my golf pictures was removed from my high school year book because I was in mid swing, a beautiful swing I might add, but I had a huge amount of spit coming out of my mouth (and a beer can at my feet :) ).
Since I came to Austin, the only time I have dipped was when Todd was sick. Guess it was my way to cope, but even then it made me sick and I could only keep it in for a few minutes and I would end up puking. Last night I dipped for a couple of hours with no problem. Today, I am dipping with no problem. I never thought I would do this again.
When Justin died, I had no problem with Trish starting to smoke again, I understood. Sure I wanted her to quit after a while, and I even pushed her to, but she was not ready. Now I see, I am weaker than she is because I am reverting to a habit I have not had in four years.
Today, I want to play golf. I was totally through with golf, because I don't like the old me. That guy was prick, a snob. And here I am, turning back into that guy. Funny how defense mechanisms work. There is a lot of stuff I left behind when I moved here. Well the old Tim was tough. The old Tim, never took shit from anyone. The old Tim would belittle someone and when they were beaten mentally, would beat the crap out of them. Sunday, I felt the old Tim coming back, I wanted to take a swing at someone at hash. I have to keep that in check, I am sure it won't be as easy to get out of trouble in Austin as it was in Fort Worth.
So here I sit, watching a movie, snuff in my mouth. Oddly enough the movie is about someone reverting to their past (A History of Violence). I don't want to be the old me, I like being Timmy; but being Timmy means you let people in which gets you hurt. Tim means never letting anyone in. I have had some breakups since I have been in Austin; but I have never been this wounded. I could blame the Asians for this, they really taught me to be myself. They taught me to allow people to come in. I did that with Trish and I was comfortable with who I was with her. Maybe a few days of the old Tim will be good, it will get me through the initial pain of the break up. It will get me through calling her a million times a day. Last night I knew to give Raf my phone and my keys for safe keeping, so I would not call her in the middle of the night. By the way, I don't really blame the Asians, I am thankful for what they taught me. That is why they are family.
Part of being the old Tim is picking up girls and pretty much treating them like shit, I don't think I will do that. Last night I was glad I that I had deleted a lot of girls numbers out of my phone when I was with Trish. Sure there are some hashers numbers I have in my phone, but I respect the friendships we have made since we had stopped dating to have called them. Don't want to use my friends as booty calls.
Well at least the old Tim is better with work. I really rock at my job. But over the last two days, I have pushed the fact that my promotion which is on hold because of the freeze is really needed. Two days straight I asserted myself into that position. I am sure it will be noticed and I am sure when people get back from Cupertino I will be questioned about it. I have my reasons for doing it and will be able to defend my actions quite easily.
So again here I sit with a lot of decisions to make. I do know I want Trish back. I do know my being weak right now will not help with that. So hopefully I can find some middle ground between Tim and Timothy.
I do know I want to hash more than I have been. It really felt good running, it felt good to sing again. I had once threatened to quit the froot because they had scheduled me to work on a hashing day for two months. The combination of running, solving checks, singing songs and being completely relaxed with a group of people is heavily therapeutic. I have said many times that hashing keeps me sane and in a time when I am seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, I could use a little sanity.
Well it is not quite 2:00 and I have finished all my errands and chores for the day, except for two. Those two are both phone calls so I will make them shortly. Then it is beer thirty.
I would like to say this, I have had the intentions of marrying five girls. Four of them, I really don't count. I did it mainly to shut them up. With Trish, I made a real commitment, talking to her family was something I would never have done with the others. I do love her, but I guess I have to deal with the fact that we most likely will never get back together, but one can hope.
Enough of this, not really whining just trying to get things straight in my head.
On-On to the Newcastle in my fridge.
I gave Slut a call and had him meet me for a few drinks, at which time I announce my plan, to be the old me. I don't think I said it in that many words, but I had already planned to buy a can of snuff, which was a major part of the old me.
I dipped through jr high and high school. One of my golf pictures was removed from my high school year book because I was in mid swing, a beautiful swing I might add, but I had a huge amount of spit coming out of my mouth (and a beer can at my feet :) ).
Since I came to Austin, the only time I have dipped was when Todd was sick. Guess it was my way to cope, but even then it made me sick and I could only keep it in for a few minutes and I would end up puking. Last night I dipped for a couple of hours with no problem. Today, I am dipping with no problem. I never thought I would do this again.
When Justin died, I had no problem with Trish starting to smoke again, I understood. Sure I wanted her to quit after a while, and I even pushed her to, but she was not ready. Now I see, I am weaker than she is because I am reverting to a habit I have not had in four years.
Today, I want to play golf. I was totally through with golf, because I don't like the old me. That guy was prick, a snob. And here I am, turning back into that guy. Funny how defense mechanisms work. There is a lot of stuff I left behind when I moved here. Well the old Tim was tough. The old Tim, never took shit from anyone. The old Tim would belittle someone and when they were beaten mentally, would beat the crap out of them. Sunday, I felt the old Tim coming back, I wanted to take a swing at someone at hash. I have to keep that in check, I am sure it won't be as easy to get out of trouble in Austin as it was in Fort Worth.
So here I sit, watching a movie, snuff in my mouth. Oddly enough the movie is about someone reverting to their past (A History of Violence). I don't want to be the old me, I like being Timmy; but being Timmy means you let people in which gets you hurt. Tim means never letting anyone in. I have had some breakups since I have been in Austin; but I have never been this wounded. I could blame the Asians for this, they really taught me to be myself. They taught me to allow people to come in. I did that with Trish and I was comfortable with who I was with her. Maybe a few days of the old Tim will be good, it will get me through the initial pain of the break up. It will get me through calling her a million times a day. Last night I knew to give Raf my phone and my keys for safe keeping, so I would not call her in the middle of the night. By the way, I don't really blame the Asians, I am thankful for what they taught me. That is why they are family.
Part of being the old Tim is picking up girls and pretty much treating them like shit, I don't think I will do that. Last night I was glad I that I had deleted a lot of girls numbers out of my phone when I was with Trish. Sure there are some hashers numbers I have in my phone, but I respect the friendships we have made since we had stopped dating to have called them. Don't want to use my friends as booty calls.
Well at least the old Tim is better with work. I really rock at my job. But over the last two days, I have pushed the fact that my promotion which is on hold because of the freeze is really needed. Two days straight I asserted myself into that position. I am sure it will be noticed and I am sure when people get back from Cupertino I will be questioned about it. I have my reasons for doing it and will be able to defend my actions quite easily.
So again here I sit with a lot of decisions to make. I do know I want Trish back. I do know my being weak right now will not help with that. So hopefully I can find some middle ground between Tim and Timothy.
I do know I want to hash more than I have been. It really felt good running, it felt good to sing again. I had once threatened to quit the froot because they had scheduled me to work on a hashing day for two months. The combination of running, solving checks, singing songs and being completely relaxed with a group of people is heavily therapeutic. I have said many times that hashing keeps me sane and in a time when I am seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, I could use a little sanity.
Well it is not quite 2:00 and I have finished all my errands and chores for the day, except for two. Those two are both phone calls so I will make them shortly. Then it is beer thirty.
I would like to say this, I have had the intentions of marrying five girls. Four of them, I really don't count. I did it mainly to shut them up. With Trish, I made a real commitment, talking to her family was something I would never have done with the others. I do love her, but I guess I have to deal with the fact that we most likely will never get back together, but one can hope.
Enough of this, not really whining just trying to get things straight in my head.
On-On to the Newcastle in my fridge.
posted by dayoldfish at 12:10 PM
9 Comments:
tobacco = poison
Here's to the old ways to keep from getting hurt!
this to will pass, until then Hash
What it really means is...all you wankers who were in on the bet need to mail me ten bucks each! Woohoo!
almost as soon as i finished reading this a chicago song came started playing from my mp3 player "what kind of man would i be" check out the lyrics
luckily, the next song was the toadies "heel"
kinda of describes you with hooter bob-->ALL CHICAGO SONGS
and you without her TOADIES
is there something about asians that i do not know? explain.
I was wondering where Trish was this past Sunday. I was just in a funk mood that day and super worn our and didn't feel like chatting with anyone.
I think I still have a finale saved for you!
Let’s hit up Brown bar this week.
Damn bro, that sucks. Sorry to hear that, we liked Trish. But I concur with chlamydia and MOST ESPECIALLY smut mutt!! Tobacco, bad. Quitting good.
I'm so sorry for the pain, hopefully you have moved on from the initial hearbreak of it.
Interesting exchange between the present self and the "Tim". I truly hope you find a happy medium and something less destructive.
Good. Go do hashing. Running, drinking, and singing is good for the broken-hearted but, please, only in moderation, no one likes a one-upper at running ;)
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